#1: "The two most joyous times of the year are Christmas morning and the end of school." — Alice Cooper
#2: "The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." — Jay Leno
#3: “There's something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.” — Kristen Wiig
#4: “I beg to present you, as a Christmas gift, the city of Savannah.” — William Tecumseh Sherman
#5: "I love my family but my family -- they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did... I was in the first grade Christmas play -- I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus... They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby...' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'" — Wanda Sykes
#6: "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." — Phyllis Diller
#7: “Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.” — Richard Lewis
#8: "One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” — Louis C.K.
#9: “Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.” — Victor Borge
#10: “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” — Shirley Temple
"Put on your yarmulke,
Here comes Hanukkah!
So much funukah,
To celebrate Hanukkah!
Hanukkah is the festival of lights.
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights."
— Adam Sandler, "The Hanukkah Song"