Top Five Newsmakers: George Clooney Retires from Bachelordom, Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher Turn Parental, & Derek Jeter Retires from Baseball

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This was a week of transition for celebrities. George Clooney became a husband to Amal Alamuddin in a ceremony that cemented their status as the golden couple of 2014. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis became parents. Derek Jeter went from baseball to blogging, while Tracy Morgan and Amanda Bynes struggled to regain their health. Catch up on the celebrity circle of life with this week’s top five newsmakers.

George Clooney & Amal Alamuddin Had the Best.Wedding.Ever

George Clooney Amal Alamuddin Photo

(Photo: Shutterstock)

When a man who has spent the past two decades telling the world that he never wants to get married changes his mind, he weds with the fervor of a recent religious convert. Last weekend, George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin had the classiest, most elegant celebrity wedding of all time. The three-day extravaganza included boat rides through the Venice canals to a seven-star hotel, lavish dinners and breakfasts, separate religious and civil ceremonies and better fashion than the Oscars' red carpet. Their guests included Matt Damon and Anna Wintour. The wedding cake was reportedly decorated with gold leaf designed to match the affrescos in the room where it was cut. (And, it was chocolate because their taste in desserts, like everything else is impeccable.) 

I can only presume little girls will give up their princess fantasies and aspire to lean in and become human right lawyers with great hair. And there’s really no point to anyone ever having a formal wedding again, because it will be impossible to live up to the standard that Clooney and Alamuddin have set, much less surpass it. The wedding-industrial-complex may wither and die, leaving future engaged couples with thousands of dollars in discretionary income that they might donate to charities supporting the politically active couple’s pet causes. Well played, you gorgeous, evil geniuses.

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher Have That 2010s Baby

Ashton Kutcher Mila Kunis Photo

If we’re living in the era of 1990s nostalgia, and the 1990s were the decade of '70s nostalgia, what does it mean when two stars of a 90s sitcom that was set in the 1970s have a child together? Perhaps the baby is a time traveler who journeyed from the future thanks to the Butterfly Effect. Wednesday, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, who played high school sweethearts Kelso and Jackie on That 70s Show, welcomed a baby daughter named Wyatt. 

Kutcher and Kunis were one of the least likely fictional couples to become real-life items. Kutcher was married to Demi Moore for years. Kunis had a longterm relationship with Macaulay Culkin. But when they were both newly single, sparks flew. They were soon engaged. Like Clooney, Kunis had previously claimed she had no interest in marriage. The lesson to be learned is that when someone you’re dating claims they don’t want to get married, what they really mean is that they don’t want to get married to you.

Amanda Bynes Is Arrested By the Cops, But Rejected by the Fashion Police

LOS ANGELES, CA - JUNE 05:  Actress Amanda Bynes arrives at the 2011 MTV Movie Awards at Universal Studios' Gibson Amphitheatre on June 5, 2011 in Universal City, California.  (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

(Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

Unfortunately, another 90s teen starlet isn’t doing nearly as well as Kunis. Amanda Bynes was arrested for her second DUI last Sunday. After months of erratic behavior and several arrests, Bynes parents placed her under their conservatorship and had her hospitalized in 2012. It seemed like she was doing better. Bynes enrolled in fashion school and seemed determined to get her life on track. Apparently, her old problems resurfaced soon after the conservatorship ended. She reportedly stopped taking her psychiatric medication. According to TMZ, Bynes was kicked out of the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising for repeatedly showing up to class stoned, cheating on tests and paying other students to do her homework. That means Bynes lacked the self-discipline to succeed at a school which counts The Hills stars Lauren Conrad and Stephanie Pratt as alumni. Since her parents seem unable to help her, perhaps the solution is for her, like Kutcher and Kunis, to go back to where it all started. Maybe Kenan and Kel can stage an intervention and persuade her to get the treatment she clearly needs.

Walmart Adds Insult to Tracy Morgan’s Injuries

Tracy Morgan

There was even sadder celebrity driving news this week. Walmart attempted to blame Tracy Morgan for the serious injuries he sustained when a truck driver who was asleep at the wheel plowed into his vehicle. Since the truck driver was contracted to Walmart, Morgan sued the big box behemoth. In response, the company’s lawyer claimed that Morgan was injured because he chose not to wear a seatbelt. Given that Morgan was a passenger in a limo bus, he may not even had the option of wearing a seat belt. Morgan fired back, saying in a statement, “I can't believe Walmart is blaming me for an accident that they caused. My friends and I were doing nothing wrong. I want to thank my fans for sticking with me during this difficult time. I love you all. I'm fighting hard every day to get back." 

Unfortunately, the comedian might not ever return to the stage. Wednesday, his lawyer told Page Six that Morgan suffered a traumatic brain injury. He is undergoing physical and cognitive therapy, but might not ever be able to walk without assistance or make a complete mental recovery. Morgan’s already come back from a kidney transplant and a substance abuse problem. Let’s hope he wins his biggest fight yet.

Derek Jeter Hits And Writes

Derek-Jeter-189311-2-402

This column shouldn’t end on a sad note, so let’s pay tribute to one of the all-time greats who ended his career on his own terms. Derek Jeter retired from the New York Yankees. In a moment so perfect that it seemed scripted, he hit a game-winning RBI in his final at-bat in Yankee stadium. Last Sunday, he played his last game at Boston’s Fenway Park. Nobody hates the Yankees as much as the Red Sox, but his arch-rivals honored him with a pre-game ceremony. After his emotional fare well, Jeter announced that he was embarking on a new career – as a blogger. Why would he want to trade in adoring crowds for pageview metrics? Yes, he can work in his pajamas if he’s so inclined, but that can’t compare to the excitement of being a professional athlete. Actually, Jeter is launching a website, The Players’ Tribune, for professional athletes who have more to say than what can fit in a tweet. It’s a great idea. If Jeter would like some tips on SEO optimization, we’d be happy to help.