National Bad Poetry Day: Celebrity Verses from Kristen Stewart to Spock

It turns out celebrity poets by any other name are still pretty cheesy.
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Justine Lorelle LoMonaco
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It turns out celebrity poets by any other name are still pretty cheesy.

Celebrities—they can do anything! Or at least they seem to think so. In honor of National Bad Poetry Day, here are five celebs that should stick to their day jobs and leave the sonnets to someone (anyone) else.

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Kristen Stewart

The Twilight actress revealed in a Marie Claire interview for her March 2014 cover that she is a poet—even if you didn’t know it. She even gave the glossy permission to reprint one of her works. It has to be said, her heart may be a wiffle ball (what?!), but this poem is just confusing.

Excerpt from "My Heart Is A Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole"

By Kristen Stewart

"I reared digital moonlight/

You read its clock, scrawled neon across that black/ Kismetly...ubiquitously crest fallen/ Thrown down to strafe your foothills/ ...I'll suck the bones pretty. Your nature perforated the abrasive organ pumps/ Spray painted everything known to man/ Stream rushed through and all out into/ Something Whilst the crackling stare down sun snuck/ Through our windows boarded up/ He hit your flint face and it sparked."

Hotheads: Former Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen had some choice words for CBS and Warner Bros. executives after he was fired for his inappropriate behavior. Sheen has definitely been 'winning' in the hothead category for his quirky one-man shows, live-in girlfriends, and his celebrity roast. (Photo: FilmMagic)

(Photo: FilmMagic)

Charlie Sheen

Is it really a surprise that the man who coined #winning also moonlights as a lyricist? (After all, he himself told us he’s got “poetry in [his] fingertips.”) Charlie Sheen self-published “A Peace of My Mind” in the early ‘90s, replete with verses about the struggles of being a celebrity and how he might have been a former president in a past life. Maybe we too need tiger blood and Adonis DNA like Charlie Sheen to get it.

“There’s a goat in my ass,

Living mainly on grass.

They say the creature was stolen,

Yet he feeds on my colon.”

 Charlie Sheen

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Leonard Nimoy

He’s probably best known for being your favorite Vulcan, but Leonard Nimoy is also a director, singer, photographer and, yes, poet. He’s published a few collections of lovey-dovey verses worthy of a William Shatner recitation. Check out this love poem that would make even Spock blush:

"You Fill Me With Your Love"

By Leonard Nimoy

"You fill me With your love You fill me With your caring You fill me With your thoughts You fill me With your sharing"

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Kate Moss

No one walks a runway like Kate Moss – but she might want to leave the wordsmithing to the pros. She does, however, have a knack for rhyme, as this snippet of a limerick she wrote while kicking a drug habit shows:

“Please let me tell you in brief / what has always been my belief, / Though you may have a passion / for beauty and fashion, / What matters / is what’s underneath.” – Kate Moss

Jennifer Aniston Photo

Jennifer Aniston

Oh, Jen…wasn’t dating John Mayer enough of a blow? The couple’s brief relationship may have been ill-fated, but it was enough to inspire the actress to pen “Lucky in Love,” a poem that compares dating Mayer to being involved in a fatal car accident. (But in a good way?)

“Lucky in love, lucky in love / Didn’t forget me when I asked you to leave me / Didn’t forget me / Now you’re alongside me / You’ve brought luck to love / I’ve been hit by a truck in love” – Jennifer Aniston