Never mind that Elmo voice actor Kevin Clash was accused (but later cleared) of pedophilia, that software millionaire John McAfee is on the lamb for allegedly killing his neighbor in Belize while simultaneously ingesting bath salts, or even that Liz Lemon will be getting married on 30 Rock—the recent politics and sexual liaisons of former CIA Director David Petraeus and all parties involved was the dominant news this past week.
Here’s our ‘Week in Review’ on one of the strangest stories that frankly, we can hardly keep up with.
The scandal involving self-dethroned CIA Director David Petraeus, his biographer Paula Broadwell, the whistleblower Jill Kelley, General John Allen, and FBI agent Fred Humphries involves themes of power, sex, jealousy, shirtlessness, and conservative-based conspiracies.
Petraeus was in closed-door sessions this week with Democrats and Republicans—not about his affair with biographer Broadwell—but rather, his findings on the September 11th Benghazi attack. Despite his insistence that it was purely a case of crazy pants that forced his resignation, conspiracy theorists believe the four-star general is trying to cover up potential security missteps by the Obama administration that gave way to the terrorist attacks.
Unfortunately, while Democrats and Republicans are trying to resolve the Benghazi issue, Petraeus’ uncontrollable love loins and the array of people involved in its repercussions seem to be overshadowing most of the Benghazi politicking.
For now there are more questions than there are answers, but here are the major players in this bizarre tale of lust and lust for power—in the age of no privacy.
DAVID PETRAEUS: Appointed CIA director in April 2011, Petraeus stepped down from his high-ranking position because he admittedly had an affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. While immoral hanky panky was in full order, the former general claims no national security breaches were committed, although that has yet to be fully resolved.
Broadwell—in a halter top—talking with Jon Stewart.
PAULA BROADWELL: Petraeus’ biographer loved to brag to the public about her unprecedented access to Petraeus while researching her book. (She also had a bad habit of showing off her vast collection of halter tops.) Although the situation hasn’t been fully explained, the former West Point grad allegedly had issues with a Floridian “socialite” named Jill Kelley (who knew Petraeus) and sent threatening and “jealous” emails to her.
JILL KELLEY: Known as the Petraeus whistleblower and a military groupee, Kelley called on the FBI to investigate the harassing emails. She considers herself completely innocent and a victim in this matter. Although she claims her privacy is being encroached by the media, when there are sightings of her, she makes sure she is perfectly coiffed and adorned in monochromatic Easter color accoutrements. (No word on whether Bethenny Frankel will portray her in a future made-for-TV movie.)
GENERAL JOHN ALLEN: The man who took over Petraeus’ military command is now under investigation after the FBI discovered he had sent flirtatious emails to Kelley. Under military law, adultery is illegal, but General Allen has been adamant that he did not have an affair with Kelley. Known as the “warrior monk,” Allen will have to deal with new warring threats of a domestic nature—his wife and two daughters.
We have no image of FBI agent Fred Humphries, but he looks similar to this Mr. Clean impersonator.
FRED HUMPHRIES: Formerly known as the “shirtless FBI agent,” Special Agent Fred Humphries began the Petraeus investigation on behalf of Kelley, whom he was friendly with. Although he was reprimanded later for his actions, Humphries contacted various members of Congress and told them what he knew of the scandal, fearing that the investigation was being stalled for political reasons. He was later cited as having sent Kelley a shirtless photo of himself posing next to target dummies. While this initially seemed lasciviously motivated, we’re now finding out Humphries sent it to many of his friends as a joke…but some still argue he’s still a dummy.
Considering this unbelievably outlandish story is still unfolding, what do you think will happen next? Are you turned off or intrigued by the Petraeus scandal?