In the same vein as our Mother’s Day post, we decided to celebrate Father’s Day by putting some very famous dads into some fun fatherly categories. From the dad who’s all man candy to the dad who’d take your dreams (too) seriously, let’s give a toast to the good and slightly weird dads from past to present…
Dad Who’d Be a Great Disciplinarian – Samuel L. Jackson
“Oh, hell no!” He says it in movies all the time, and you can easily imagine him saying that when he’s keeping it real with his kid.
But if he preferred, Samuel L. Jackson wouldn’t have to say a word. Lucky for him, he fits into the elite group of dads who can discipline with just a look. In the spirit of Jackson, we like to call this look “The MoFo.” A ticked off side-glance and a subtle squint from his wide-set eyes—and your behind’s already burning!
Reportedly, when Jackson’s 31-year-old daughter Zoe was 21, he would bring forth “The MoFo” on the boys she brought home.
“Guys would come in and speak to me, and I’d just stare at them,” Jackson told a reporter. “I was like, ‘You’re not here to talk to me.’ [Zoe would] say, ‘Dad, you gotta speak to them.’”
Jackson would proceed to say to his daughter: “Why should I? As soon as I talk to them, it opens the door for them to think it’s okay for them to be there, and I don’t want them to even think that.”
Talk about bringing on “The MoFo”!
Dad Who’d Let You Dream Big – Sigmund Freud
“Hey, Dad! I had the weirdest dream last night: I was juggling bananas, while balancing on two big watermelons amidst a raging fire!” Can you imagine the kind of party Sigmund Freud would have interpreting that dream if one of his six kids brought it to his attention?
If you have an idea of what his psychoanalytic writings and dream interpretations seem to always point to, you’d know that his description of such a dream would be an epic warfare between the superego and the id and all things phallic and genital!
Hey, as much as Freud’s sexual angle on things (ok, essentially on everything) might be as welcoming as hearing your dad talk about the birds and the bees, at least he’d be a good listener, right? Come on, ever hear of free association, people?
Dad Who’d Forgive Your Really, Really Nasty Behavior – Charlemagne
For all you spoiled kids out there, perhaps some of you can relate to the bountiful paternal love of Charlemagne. Called the “Father of Europe,” Charlemagne was the first ruler of the Holy Roman Empire in 800 A.D. As harsh and savage as the conditions were during that time, he managed to keep his heart soft towards his wayward kids—even his conspiring, crotchety son Pepin the Hunchback.
Pepin got his unsavory name from a spinal deformity, but regardless of his son’s handicap, Charles loved him and showed him favor among his sons. However, when Sir Hunchback—who was possibly illegitimate—discovered the old man crowned another one of his other sons as successor, he flipped out and conspired to kill him.
Despite discovering Hunchback’s plot, Charlemagne refused to kill him and instead, bestowed mercy by sending him off to a monastery to live out the rest of his days.
Charlemagne also loved his daughters by keeping them close to his side and educating them. And even though some of them philandered their way through court, he turned a blind eye and indulged their illegitimate spawn.
Dad Who Is All Man Candy – David Beckham
Forget the MILF, let’s talk DILF and bring on the man candy that is David Beckham! Can you imagine scheduling a playdate with this hunka monka Brit? Moms everywhere would drop their Easy Spirit old-lady shoes and pop on their Jimmy Choos in a snap!
Although he recently retired from an illustrious 20-year soccer career this year, during that span of time, Becks turned himself into a father four times with the help of his scowling Poshy wife Victoria…He also modeled underwear. Oh, and by the way, he also modeled underwear!
Dad Who Tells the Best Ghost Stories – Stephen King
When you’re quoted as saying you keep the heart of a small boy in a jar at your desk, then you win the Mr. Macabre sash of the year—or for all eternity in Stephen King’s case.
Whether it’s rabid dogs, fire-starting kids, angry ghosts in empty resorts, clowns with spiked teeth, telekinetic girls who kill on prom night, or old obsessive ladies who like to cut off the feet of their favorite celebrity author—who the hell knows how or where King gets all of his gruesome and scary material from! All we know is that his kids must’ve had super strong bladders to keep from weeing in their beds after daddy was through talking ghosties to them right before lights out!
No surprise to us, we totally get why one of King’s sons is a comic book author (we’d rather laugh than scream bloody murder, too) and why his daughter turned to religion and became a minister. Who wouldn’t want a higher power protecting you from the nightmares conjured from dad’s brilliantly creepy head?
Dad Who’d Let You Have the Run of the (White) House – Abraham Lincoln
Patient but fun-loving dads are the best, aren’t they? That’s what Robert Todd, Eddie, Willie, and Tad got as sons of Abraham Lincoln. Similar to Charlemagne, Lincoln adored his kids and let them have the run of the White House—literally.
Considering both Lincoln and wife Mary Todd were soft on discipline, their sons were said to have been a rowdy bunch, at times spilling ink or overturning furniture during their visits to dad’s office. While this may have irked Lincoln’s co-workers, it didn’t bother him a bit, as he was known to roughhouse and even play hopping contests with his boys.
And if that doesn’t bring out the Oohs and Awws out of you, Lincoln also extended his loving and patient ways to his quick-tempered wife. If ever he unintentionally offended Mary Todd, he’d apologize and read scriptures from the Bible to soothe her nerves. Attentive to their relationship in general, Lincoln often spent time reading poetry and Shakespeare with her for enjoyment.